The Curious Thing About Growing Up.

Growing up rather than ageing.

Because, we treat ageing like a dirty word. Only to be uttered in secret or to placate; "there, there, you are still very much relevant".

We become the new old people, you know, the ones we regarded as ancient and wondered why they clung so desperately to youth. 

Only now as my mind races much faster than my body, do I understand the possible disconnect they must have felt too.

But even with the new aches and creaks come more lived experiences and clarity, discovering and understanding yourself more, knowing AND liking yourself and extending yourself grace.

Ignore my ramblings, I scoff at myself, I'm not even thaaaat old yet, but I look forward to growing up even more, creaking knees and all.

Random

"It was quite like Beauty and the Beast wasn't it?"

"Yea. Except the Beast was a beauty."

Overheard...

 "...he is a narcissist and she's a sociopath!"

"So just a regular match made in heaven then?"

YG

Colleague Chronicles

At work yesterday...

Colleague: "So, who or what are you going as for Halloween?"

Me: *Thinking to myself, halloween ke!?* "I'm going as myself."

Colleague: "...Yourself being?"

Me: "An Edo woman."

Colleague: ...

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5 Years After...

...Hello?

Anybody there?

What's new with me? Plenty. Too plenty to do a recap, but I'm still grumpy. And solely old now, forget the young. There's "arugbo in this Ghana".

I added a new disgusting guilty pleasure to my repertoire; watching Dr Pimple Popper clips on Instagram.

Moved halfway across the world.

Still a foodie. #fatfam

Lost my zeal for writing. Read over a thousand books. Still reading.

Living. Trying to cross things off the proverbial list.

Writing this to prove something to myself, not sure what "something" is yet.

Hopefully, it doesn't take another 5 years to come back here...


Click.

Being Me Blog Tag

I got tagged by the lovely Kash over at Kash Chronicles and I'm doing this so my last blogpost won't read March 2014 again - real life AND being an adult sucks monkeys balls! On to the tag!

Are you named after someone?

No, but now people are naming their kids after me - what's all these now?!

When was the last time you cried?

I have stopped checking; I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm sure I was crying subconsciously a minute ago sef.

Do you have any children?

Not yet, my triplets are still chilling with my heavenly father.

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

Totally. But I would tell me to rein my loyalty in a bit, it can get...choking.

Do you have any guilty pleasures?

Reading Fan Fiction *covers face in shame* Chinchin, Mango Icecream, Spiced Plantain Chips

Do you like handwriting?

Mine? No. Other peoples'? Yea.

What� your favourite cereal?

Kellogg's Crunchy Nut and Nasco Corn Flakes

What� the first thing you notice about people?

Eyes

What� the colour of your eyes?

Brown

Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings

Favourite TV show?

Will & Grace - Karen Walker for HBIC!

Winter or summer?

Summer.

Hugs or kisses?

Hugs

Special talent?

Making people think butter wouldn't melt in my mouth.

Where were you born?

Ilorin, Kwara State

Hobbies?

Eat, Read, Write, Sing off-tune, Travel, Eat...

Do you have any pets?

No; pets have a tendency to die when in close proximity to me.

Favorite movie?

300!, The Departed, The Prestige, Now You See Me

What colour is your car?

Petrol Blue

What do you want to do when you grow up?

Be a kept woman and live a leisurely life. I kid, I kid. Not.

Who do I tag? I'm so late to the party, I'm sure everyone else has done this...so anyone who hasn't - would be fun to read your answers!

Kids Say (And Do) The Darndest Things!

After helping my aunt fry copious amounts of goat meat and cook party jollof rice with charcoal, bush woman style; a head-tie and wrapper clad me heads upstairs to rest in my Aunt's living room. My 2 years & 5 months old niece, Fl approaches me:

Fl: Auntie YG, you wee baff?
Me: No sweetie, I'm resting.

Fl: *sniffs and stares at me for 5 seconds*

Fl:Auntie YG, you wee baff.
Me: Wait, what...

Fl: *attempts to pull me off HER couch and into the bathroom*


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Heading to airport to travel and attend a family function. My rambunctious 3 years and 4 months niece Sk:

Sk: Aunty YG we are going to enter aeroplane to go to Lagos! Mummy can we take the train? See that train! *points to an SUV on the EXPRESSWAY*
Mama Sk: Train? Where did you see train?!

At the airport now, my battalion of a family constituting a nuisance as usual. None more than my lovely Sk:

Sk: Mummy, mummy see aeroplane! *mother hangs head in shame*

Sk: *at the check-in counter* Mummy I am hungry, you didn't give me breakfast!
Mama Sk: *hangs head in shame* When we sit down I will give you your food

Sk: *opens food warmer* Ahn ahn, I said I wanted POTATO not CHIPS!
Sk: You did not put egg, I don't want ketchup! *mother hangs head in shame*

Sk: *proceeds to start dancing to someone's ringtone*
Mama Sk: *hangs head in shame* Sk behave my friend!
Me: *starts laughing*
Sk: *turns to me* Aunty YG, you have started abi? You have started?
Me: *hangs head in shame*

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My aunt heavily scolds (Read: screams at) her 6 year old daughter, Uh for refusing to turn off the TV and going to bed like she was told. This ensues next:

Uh: *sniffles* Mummy I am not happy
Mama Uh: *mutters* You don't have to be happy, just sleep
Uh: You are always shouting at me, its not good, don't you know I have feelings?
Mama Uh: *shocked*
Uh: Mummy I have feelings, everybody in the world has feelings, you have feelings, don't you know I have my own feelings?
Mama Uh: *astounded* feelings kwa?! *makes a mental note to cancel their DSTV subscription the next day*



~~~~

YG

Random

Cue the following conversation:

Random Guy: Hello pretty baby, you are looking takeaway, like an indefatigable jewel, is your father a rugged kidnapper?
Z: Err what?! Thanks *eye rolls, walks away and promptly forgets weird person*

Random Female: Hey, just wanted to say you are very pretty.
Z: Err..thank you...you too!

*Permanent beatific smile*
*Starts humming "Walking on Sunshine*
*Breaks into dance*
*Collides into old lady at the door*




~~~~

YG

Today, Just Today...

From: Gabriela.Gibb@sonymusic.com

Your MAIL ID has been PICKED to collected $750,000.00 in the JUMBO COMPANY give away price as the lucky WINNER. send info To OUR claim's email: (jumb-ward@outlook.com)

Me: God will punish you thoroughly! Idiot, how can you be a successful scam artist if you can not even spell?! Oloriburuku, omo radarada, ode, olodo oshi!

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At beauty salon, couple of days ago, fixing my hair.
Barber: Aunty, please you fit tell your husband or father or brother make dem come dey barb their hair for here.
Me: Okay I will.
Barber: Also, I go soon start dry-cleaning business for here, abeg you go dey patronise me, infact give me your number so I go call you when I don start
Me: Err, I'm sure I will notice when it opens...
Barber: Your number na 080-wetin?
                                       ----------------------------------------
22:05 that same night, 3 missed calls from Barber earlier, my phone rings.
Me: *groggy* Hello?
Barber: Aunty good evening na me....
Me: I'm sleeping! *disconnects call*
                                       ----------------------------------------
Today, phone rings.
Me: Hello?
Barber: Aunty na me, good morning, sorry about that day...
Me: It's okay...
Barber: ...I just say make I tell you say if your sister children need lesson teacher, I sabi teach maths and English and Science...
Me: *removes phone from ear and stares at it in wonderment*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday 4:30pm, phone rings.
Someone: Please I'm in a bind etc...can you just loan me NX?
Me: I'm broke too, I don't have that amount of money, but I can send you something little towards your issue.
                                      ----------------------------------------
 Today, phone rings.
Someone: Thanks for yesterday but now I'm in an even bigger bind; please please can you find some money to help me?
Me: I know you heard me yesterday when I said I didn't have and just helped you out of the little I had...
Someone: I know, I know look...how about I give you my phone? If you don't get your money back before Friday, you can sell it, it's worth...
Me: *removes phone from ear and stares at it in wonderment* Then sell your frigging phone already!


All this before 1pm?! Me - 0, Universe - Knock Out.



~~~~
YG

You Have Not Lived Till...

...you have had your 60 year old aunt point to her crotch and say in Yoruba "Is it not this same thing abi something else?!" while discussing philandering men. And not understanding why you are rolling on the floor, laugh-crying and muttering to yourself, "no, no, stop!"

...you have this same aunt turn around and start giving you hot "abaras" on your back for not knowing any politicians or musicians or other famous people, and only being friends with "poor people".

...the MC at a wedding is asked to call you out during the bouquet toss, then the bride snatches the mic to call you out when you refuse to show yourself and this same aunt gets up from the High Table to come and drag you out herself.

...the family decides to organise a fun day out at an "amusement park". One cousin gets on a daredevil ride with your aunt totally oblivious. By the time she realises she has a family member on the ride that is turning its occupants on their heads, she removes her headscarf, bursts into tears while we all fall about with laughter, grabs a total stranger and screams at the ride attendant to "stop that rubbish right now!" Oh, daredevil Cuz? Got a backhand slap.

...you have had to fight dirty with your aunt. Well, YOU are not fighting, you are just standing there trying to block blows to your head because well, you cannot punch an elder and owwww! She just jumped up to bite you on your shoulder!

...your aunt has announced in a normal voice and with a serious face that bullets cannot kill her; she has "odeshi". And you cannot sleep throughout the night trying to figure out if she was being serious or messing with your heads.

...you rock up to the car at the end of term, with your mattress missing, nonchalantly announcing "it was stolen." - you get a backhand slap and a stern "well are you stupid? Go and steal one and bring it here now now!"

...you have had a shoe thrown at the back of your head for not greeting an older neighbour well. Then when this neighbour badmouths you and your siblings, your aunt proceeds to insult her using every feature on her body, making said neighbour cry.

...your aunt denies all these and much more incidents when you tell her, especially as she is now a softie to the much much younger fam, and we cannot understand how much they get away with. 

Gosh, "shallout" to the Iron Lady, its been real!

*"you" could be you or any of your siblings. You are NOT that troublesome!*

~~~~

YG