Money, Money, Moneeey!

Seems I still can't shake my age-long bad habit of posting once a month...

I'm staying at my aunt's place this week because its a lot closer to work than from my house and I am LAZY. Chatting with my 5 year old niece yesterday after work about her day at school, and she tells me she aced her mid-term tests. Feeling magnanimous, I tell her "Wow! I'm so proud of you! I will give you BIG money, how much do you want?" She uhms and ehms for a few seconds then with eyes-wide open she proceeds to shock me with her interpretation of BIG money..."I want...N200!!!" Wait, what? I told her I would give her BIG money and she wants just N200?! NO ONE could ask me that same question when I was younger, they would most certainly be robbed! I mean, I remember when I was younger and we used to accost our visitors and escort them to the gate so they'll shake body. Now I say escort, but we all know now that I was straight up harassing these poor people!

I had a band of merry robbers; myself, my younger sister and 3 of my cousins. Our living room furniture was arranged in a U-formation, so when our guests got comfortable and started talking to our folks, we would close the "U" and then announce that we wanted to sing. Our song list was very varied; nursery rhymes to Yoruba movie soundtracks to the theme tune of Neighbours. Now if our guests were smart, they allowed us sing only ONE song before clapping and opening their wallets to give us N20 - N50 (BIG money back in Lagos, 1996) but the stubborn ones? Ooh child, the stubborn ones learnt! We had about 4 or 5 songs, so if after the first one, body has not been "shaken" for us, and they dashed us claps like it was something (Hiss! You know those stingy ass visitors, their own currency was claps) we continued singing.

So we would go on singing till the last song, and then take a bow; enough hint to open wallet and give us money, so we could go and practice for better visitors. Mba! These ones will claaaaap, and tell our folks, "Ahn ahn, your children are talented!" Lies! We would start singing the last song again, this time so slowly, throw in some harmonies sef, at that point the visitors usually just threw in the towel and gave us their lunch money. Our folks were so ashamed of us, chei! But yay, more money for Blackcurrant lollies and "baba dudu" sweets!

Someone came to visit us once and dropped about N1000 when they were leaving, "take these lovely kids to Mr Biggs" omo see jubilation! My aunt said no wahala now, that we would go later that evening. We had lunch, eba and vegetable soup I think, then my younger sister boldly went to meet my aunt, "when are we going to Mr Biggs?" My aunt screams "Mr Biggs ko! All the food you people have been eating, even the vegetable soup you had for lunch, has cost me one million naira so far! Infact you people owe me!" Chineke, N1m?! How we go pay that one now?! We sharply forgoooooot Mr Biggs.

My dad had this friend who was a "braggado", he knew and was related to EVERYONE; awon "the Governor was my seatmate in the University" peoples. Chairman! Tuale! Anyhoozay, one day he called our land-line and said he was bringing something to the house, see excitement now! Popsie was not around, just us and some older relatives, see us planning how we were going to share the money this BIG man was going to give us! He arrives, we boldly go and serve him "minerals" and some Danish Cookies we had. He gets up and says he is leaving, he will just drop the 'something" we got up with him and walked outside the gate where packed; about 7 of us o! We get to the gate. This man goes to his trunk. He pops his trunk open. And  drags out a goat. A freaking goat! We gave this man mineral and biscuit oh! I'm sure the crestfallen expression on our faces was what made him hand over the goat's leash to my uncle and jump into his car. I can't remember if he ever came to visit us again...

"Aunty YG, Aunty YG, I said okay forget N200, give me N100!" My niece is shaking my shoulders, I stop reminiscing, almost tear up, pull her in for a hug and tell her to bring my wallet.



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YG

Argh! You Know What Grinds My Gears...

...Monday. Monday really grinds my gears. It doesn't even sneak up on you, it's very bold. Whilst you are prematurely celebrating the weekend rolling around from 12 pm on a Friday, Monday is right there, knocking on your subconscious. By Saturday morning, you are already tired out from thinking about the impending week, and by Sunday night you're already pulling your hair from its roots, thinking "kai, 9 more hours till I have to get up" now "its 4 more hours till I have to get up". Then, its Monday afternoon, like a hopeless romantic, you put on your rose-coloured glasses and start counting down to Friday again.

...People who strain their necks, pop open their eyelids and straight up lift themselves off their seats to see what YOU'RE doing on your computer. What is it?! What do you want to see? Am I trading YOUR stocks on my laptop? Bia, face front!

...MTN. MT effing N!!!

...Abuja rain. Fall if you want to fall abeg, which one is the darkening skies, heavy winds, sandstorms that last for 15 minutes then a measly 2 minutes of actual rainfall?! Then NEPA sef, they don't need to see any actual rainfall. Just sniff small breeze, fiam! They've flexed their power and done the usual. Oya, rain don fall finish o! Make una bring light abeg! Nonsense.

...Married-but-dating men.
"Haaays, fine girl, I like you"
"But unku, is that not a wedding band I spy on your finger..."
"Is it not better that you even see it? So you know that I am a responsible man? I will take care of you!"
"Wait, what?! It shows you are responsible?! Thanks, but no thanks, I have a boyfriend"
"Ehn! What difference does that make? Test me for a month, infact a week! You'll see I'm stronger than your boyfriend"
"Stronger? Oga, I tell you say I dey find person wey go help me push wheelbarrow?!"
"Just try me se! Infact, if you are good to me, I will sponsor your wedding to your 'boyfriend' after we are done"
"...shshkjghdhghj!"

...Ibo market traders groping you in the name of "Aunty, I have fine jeans, party wears that will suit you." "Ehn Omalicha, come and buy from me, infact take anything you want in my shop, I am looking for fine wife like you." I don't want your fine 'wears' o! Stop rubbing me jo! And PS: calling me 'Yellow' will not make me buy ANYTHING from you. Hiss.

...People walking anyhow in my movies. I will pop a movie in, settle down and prepare to get lost in fantasy for a short while, and next thing you will just see people standing up, roaming anyhow in the movie! No single respect! You think 400bucks is a joke?!

...MTN. MTbloodyN!!!



~~~~
YG

I Never Learn...

...two years on, I'm doing this again.

I would have thought that my grumblings would secede with age, but no! The older I get, the more intolerable and grouchy I have become. So, let's rant away.

I just know I'm going to regret this. LoL!