Friday, September 13, 2013

You Have Not Lived Till... have had your 60 year old aunt point to her crotch and say in Yoruba "Is it not this same thing abi something else?!" while discussing philandering men. And not understanding why you are rolling on the floor, laugh-crying and muttering to yourself, "no, no, stop!" have this same aunt turn around and start giving you hot "abaras" on your back for not knowing any politicians or musicians or other famous people, and only being friends with "poor people".

...the MC at a wedding is asked to call you out during the bouquet toss, then the bride snatches the mic to call you out when you refuse to show yourself and this same aunt gets up from the High Table to come and drag you out herself.

...the family decides to organise a fun day out at an "amusement park". One cousin gets on a daredevil ride with your aunt totally oblivious. By the time she realises she has a family member on the ride that is turning its occupants on their heads, she removes her headscarf, bursts into tears while we all fall about with laughter, grabs a total stranger and screams at the ride attendant to "stop that rubbish right now!" Oh, daredevil Cuz? Got a backhand slap. have had to fight dirty with your aunt. Well, YOU are not fighting, you are just standing there trying to block blows to your head because well, you cannot punch an elder and owwww! She just jumped up to bite you on your shoulder!

...your aunt has announced in a normal voice and with a serious face that bullets cannot kill her; she has "odeshi". And you cannot sleep throughout the night trying to figure out if she was being serious or messing with your heads. rock up to the car at the end of term, with your mattress missing, nonchalantly announcing "it was stolen." - you get a backhand slap and a stern "well are you stupid? Go and steal one and bring it here now now!" have had a shoe thrown at the back of your head for not greeting an older neighbour well. Then when this neighbour badmouths you and your siblings, your aunt proceeds to insult her using every feature on her body, making said neighbour cry.

...your aunt denies all these and much more incidents when you tell her, especially as she is now a softie to the much much younger fam, and we cannot understand how much they get away with. 

Gosh, "shallout" to the Iron Lady, its been real!

*"you" could be you or any of your siblings. You are NOT that troublesome!*



Wednesday, September 4, 2013

A Few Real Life Conversations...

...I have either participated in or overheard.

Cuz: Sis, please can the gateman help me buy bathing sponge? I forgot mine at home.
Me: B, abeg help me go buy bathing sponge from mallam, take money.
B: Okay ma.

*15 mins later my phone rings*

Me: Hello?
B: Hello ma, I dey market, I don forget the name of the thing wey you say make I buy...
Me: Market ke? Abeg come back, I say mallam outside here, sponge! Wey dem dey use baff! You no know am?!
B: Oh ma! I sabi am, I dey come now now!

*knock on my door*

B: Na the sponge be this
M: Okay thank you, sorry say you reach market o!

*opens carrier bag* Wait, this is a metal sponge! 


Shoe Seller: Hello ladies, I have nice heels for sale, very affordable o, see this one...
Me: Aww very nice, but they are too high for me, I'm tall already
Colleague 1: Not my size, too big but very fine
Colleague 2: Ah, this is C's size and she LOVES these kind of heels
Colleague 1: That's very true o, madam wait, she will soon come now

*C arrives*

SS: Hello dear, I have heels for sale, I was told you would like this one in particular
C: Eya it is beautiful o *tries it on* its my size much are they?
SS: They are 15 thousand nai...
C: Ehn?! Anyway, I don't wear high heels like these anymore, my knees hurt now, thank you ehn


16 yo caregiver: *pulls chair from under her ward and starts cackling hard*
8 yo ward: Hiss! Its not funny! Why are you now laughing like they are persecuting you?!

*Laughter and persecution in the same sentence? Points for knowing big words though*


*I check price of dumbbells at fitness store, decide to "make" my own dumbbells*

Me: B abeg, take these 2 plastic bottles and fill both up with sand, thank you.
B: Ma?
Me: Pour sand inside the 2 bottles, make e full am
B: Okay...

*5 mins later, at my vanity, trying to tweeze stray eyebrow hairs, I overhear this*
B's friend: Why you dey put sand for bottle? You never put water inside, na sand remain
B: Abeg you know if dem dey use sand do juju?!

Me: *deep sigh*

*at Aunty's house*

Me: My hairdresser used blue "attachment" to plait my hair under this fine weave o...
Brother: You sef you be ole! When you pay N800 to make your hair, you should expect...
Me: Haays! That's quite alright thank you!


*Looking at my pictures with my 2 yo niece*

Me: Who is this?
F: A-a YG
Me: And who is this?
F: A-a YG
*picture of me heavily made up by my cousin
Me: Who is this?
F: *stares for 5 seconds* Errr, Aunty?


My BBM Status:
"When you "baff up" you will never bump into anyone you know. But when you are rocking your finest "Mary Amaka", that's when EVERYONE pops up."