You Have Not Lived Till...

...you have had your 60 year old aunt point to her crotch and say in Yoruba "Is it not this same thing abi something else?!" while discussing philandering men. And not understanding why you are rolling on the floor, laugh-crying and muttering to yourself, "no, no, stop!"

...you have this same aunt turn around and start giving you hot "abaras" on your back for not knowing any politicians or musicians or other famous people, and only being friends with "poor people".

...the MC at a wedding is asked to call you out during the bouquet toss, then the bride snatches the mic to call you out when you refuse to show yourself and this same aunt gets up from the High Table to come and drag you out herself.

...the family decides to organise a fun day out at an "amusement park". One cousin gets on a daredevil ride with your aunt totally oblivious. By the time she realises she has a family member on the ride that is turning its occupants on their heads, she removes her headscarf, bursts into tears while we all fall about with laughter, grabs a total stranger and screams at the ride attendant to "stop that rubbish right now!" Oh, daredevil Cuz? Got a backhand slap.

...you have had to fight dirty with your aunt. Well, YOU are not fighting, you are just standing there trying to block blows to your head because well, you cannot punch an elder and owwww! She just jumped up to bite you on your shoulder!

...your aunt has announced in a normal voice and with a serious face that bullets cannot kill her; she has "odeshi". And you cannot sleep throughout the night trying to figure out if she was being serious or messing with your heads.

...you rock up to the car at the end of term, with your mattress missing, nonchalantly announcing "it was stolen." - you get a backhand slap and a stern "well are you stupid? Go and steal one and bring it here now now!"

...you have had a shoe thrown at the back of your head for not greeting an older neighbour well. Then when this neighbour badmouths you and your siblings, your aunt proceeds to insult her using every feature on her body, making said neighbour cry.

...your aunt denies all these and much more incidents when you tell her, especially as she is now a softie to the much much younger fam, and we cannot understand how much they get away with. 

Gosh, "shallout" to the Iron Lady, its been real!

*"you" could be you or any of your siblings. You are NOT that troublesome!*

~~~~

YG