Random

Cue the following conversation:

Random Guy: Hello pretty baby, you are looking takeaway, like an indefatigable jewel, is your father a rugged kidnapper?
Z: Err what?! Thanks *eye rolls, walks away and promptly forgets weird person*

Random Female: Hey, just wanted to say you are very pretty.
Z: Err..thank you...you too!

*Permanent beatific smile*
*Starts humming "Walking on Sunshine*
*Breaks into dance*
*Collides into old lady at the door*




~~~~

YG

Today, Just Today...

From: Gabriela.Gibb@sonymusic.com

Your MAIL ID has been PICKED to collected $750,000.00 in the JUMBO COMPANY give away price as the lucky WINNER. send info To OUR claim's email: (jumb-ward@outlook.com)

Me: God will punish you thoroughly! Idiot, how can you be a successful scam artist if you can not even spell?! Oloriburuku, omo radarada, ode, olodo oshi!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At beauty salon, couple of days ago, fixing my hair.
Barber: Aunty, please you fit tell your husband or father or brother make dem come dey barb their hair for here.
Me: Okay I will.
Barber: Also, I go soon start dry-cleaning business for here, abeg you go dey patronise me, infact give me your number so I go call you when I don start
Me: Err, I'm sure I will notice when it opens...
Barber: Your number na 080-wetin?
                                       ----------------------------------------
22:05 that same night, 3 missed calls from Barber earlier, my phone rings.
Me: *groggy* Hello?
Barber: Aunty good evening na me....
Me: I'm sleeping! *disconnects call*
                                       ----------------------------------------
Today, phone rings.
Me: Hello?
Barber: Aunty na me, good morning, sorry about that day...
Me: It's okay...
Barber: ...I just say make I tell you say if your sister children need lesson teacher, I sabi teach maths and English and Science...
Me: *removes phone from ear and stares at it in wonderment*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday 4:30pm, phone rings.
Someone: Please I'm in a bind etc...can you just loan me NX?
Me: I'm broke too, I don't have that amount of money, but I can send you something little towards your issue.
                                      ----------------------------------------
 Today, phone rings.
Someone: Thanks for yesterday but now I'm in an even bigger bind; please please can you find some money to help me?
Me: I know you heard me yesterday when I said I didn't have and just helped you out of the little I had...
Someone: I know, I know look...how about I give you my phone? If you don't get your money back before Friday, you can sell it, it's worth...
Me: *removes phone from ear and stares at it in wonderment* Then sell your frigging phone already!


All this before 1pm?! Me - 0, Universe - Knock Out.



~~~~
YG

You Have Not Lived Till...

...you have had your 60 year old aunt point to her crotch and say in Yoruba "Is it not this same thing abi something else?!" while discussing philandering men. And not understanding why you are rolling on the floor, laugh-crying and muttering to yourself, "no, no, stop!"

...you have this same aunt turn around and start giving you hot "abaras" on your back for not knowing any politicians or musicians or other famous people, and only being friends with "poor people".

...the MC at a wedding is asked to call you out during the bouquet toss, then the bride snatches the mic to call you out when you refuse to show yourself and this same aunt gets up from the High Table to come and drag you out herself.

...the family decides to organise a fun day out at an "amusement park". One cousin gets on a daredevil ride with your aunt totally oblivious. By the time she realises she has a family member on the ride that is turning its occupants on their heads, she removes her headscarf, bursts into tears while we all fall about with laughter, grabs a total stranger and screams at the ride attendant to "stop that rubbish right now!" Oh, daredevil Cuz? Got a backhand slap.

...you have had to fight dirty with your aunt. Well, YOU are not fighting, you are just standing there trying to block blows to your head because well, you cannot punch an elder and owwww! She just jumped up to bite you on your shoulder!

...your aunt has announced in a normal voice and with a serious face that bullets cannot kill her; she has "odeshi". And you cannot sleep throughout the night trying to figure out if she was being serious or messing with your heads.

...you rock up to the car at the end of term, with your mattress missing, nonchalantly announcing "it was stolen." - you get a backhand slap and a stern "well are you stupid? Go and steal one and bring it here now now!"

...you have had a shoe thrown at the back of your head for not greeting an older neighbour well. Then when this neighbour badmouths you and your siblings, your aunt proceeds to insult her using every feature on her body, making said neighbour cry.

...your aunt denies all these and much more incidents when you tell her, especially as she is now a softie to the much much younger fam, and we cannot understand how much they get away with. 

Gosh, "shallout" to the Iron Lady, its been real!

*"you" could be you or any of your siblings. You are NOT that troublesome!*

~~~~

YG

A Few Real Life Conversations...

...I have either participated in or overheard.

Cuz: Sis, please can the gateman help me buy bathing sponge? I forgot mine at home.
Me: B, abeg help me go buy bathing sponge from mallam, take money.
B: Okay ma.

*15 mins later my phone rings*

Me: Hello?
B: Hello ma, I dey market, I don forget the name of the thing wey you say make I buy...
Me: Market ke? Abeg come back, I say mallam outside here, sponge! Wey dem dey use baff! You no know am?!
B: Oh ma! I sabi am, I dey come now now!

*knock on my door*

B: Na the sponge be this
M: Okay thank you, sorry say you reach market o!

*opens carrier bag* Wait, this is a metal sponge! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shoe Seller: Hello ladies, I have nice heels for sale, very affordable o, see this one...
Me: Aww very nice, but they are too high for me, I'm tall already
Colleague 1: Not my size, too big but very fine
Colleague 2: Ah, this is C's size and she LOVES these kind of heels
Colleague 1: That's very true o, madam wait, she will soon come now

*C arrives*

SS: Hello dear, I have heels for sale, I was told you would like this one in particular
C: Eya it is beautiful o *tries it on* its my size sha...how much are they?
SS: They are 15 thousand nai...
C: Ehn?! Anyway, I don't wear high heels like these anymore, my knees hurt now, thank you ehn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

16 yo caregiver: *pulls chair from under her ward and starts cackling hard*
8 yo ward: Hiss! Its not funny! Why are you now laughing like they are persecuting you?!

*Laughter and persecution in the same sentence? Points for knowing big words though*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*I check price of dumbbells at fitness store, decide to "make" my own dumbbells*

Me: B abeg, take these 2 plastic bottles and fill both up with sand, thank you.
B: Ma?
Me: Pour sand inside the 2 bottles, make e full am
B: Okay...

*5 mins later, at my vanity, trying to tweeze stray eyebrow hairs, I overhear this*
B's friend: Why you dey put sand for bottle? You never put water inside, na sand remain
B: Abeg you know if dem dey use sand do juju?!

Me: *deep sigh*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*at Aunty's house*

Me: My hairdresser used blue "attachment" to plait my hair under this fine weave o...
Brother: You sef you be ole! When you pay N800 to make your hair, you should expect...
Me: Haays! That's quite alright thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Looking at my pictures with my 2 yo niece*

Me: Who is this?
F: A-a YG
Me: And who is this?
F: A-a YG
*picture of me heavily made up by my cousin
Me: Who is this?
F: *stares for 5 seconds* Errr, Aunty?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My BBM Status:
"When you "baff up" you will never bump into anyone you know. But when you are rocking your finest "Mary Amaka", that's when EVERYONE pops up."


~~~~
YG

Because you ALL know I'm lazy...

...my post on THE3SIX5NG counts as a post. Although, I may still put up my usual once-a-month post for July. But don't hold me to it. And whatnot. So yeah, do check out my ramblings HERE and PLEASE read through the SITE - fantastic entries from some brilliant, utterly brilliant authors...and, JOIN THE CONVERSATION!

~~~~

YG

Money, Money, Moneeey!

Seems I still can't shake my age-long bad habit of posting once a month...

I'm staying at my aunt's place this week because its a lot closer to work than from my house and I am LAZY. Chatting with my 5 year old niece yesterday after work about her day at school, and she tells me she aced her mid-term tests. Feeling magnanimous, I tell her "Wow! I'm so proud of you! I will give you BIG money, how much do you want?" She uhms and ehms for a few seconds then with eyes-wide open she proceeds to shock me with her interpretation of BIG money..."I want...N200!!!" Wait, what? I told her I would give her BIG money and she wants just N200?! NO ONE could ask me that same question when I was younger, they would most certainly be robbed! I mean, I remember when I was younger and we used to accost our visitors and escort them to the gate so they'll shake body. Now I say escort, but we all know now that I was straight up harassing these poor people!

I had a band of merry robbers; myself, my younger sister and 3 of my cousins. Our living room furniture was arranged in a U-formation, so when our guests got comfortable and started talking to our folks, we would close the "U" and then announce that we wanted to sing. Our song list was very varied; nursery rhymes to Yoruba movie soundtracks to the theme tune of Neighbours. Now if our guests were smart, they allowed us sing only ONE song before clapping and opening their wallets to give us N20 - N50 (BIG money back in Lagos, 1996) but the stubborn ones? Ooh child, the stubborn ones learnt! We had about 4 or 5 songs, so if after the first one, body has not been "shaken" for us, and they dashed us claps like it was something (Hiss! You know those stingy ass visitors, their own currency was claps) we continued singing.

So we would go on singing till the last song, and then take a bow; enough hint to open wallet and give us money, so we could go and practice for better visitors. Mba! These ones will claaaaap, and tell our folks, "Ahn ahn, your children are talented!" Lies! We would start singing the last song again, this time so slowly, throw in some harmonies sef, at that point the visitors usually just threw in the towel and gave us their lunch money. Our folks were so ashamed of us, chei! But yay, more money for Blackcurrant lollies and "baba dudu" sweets!

Someone came to visit us once and dropped about N1000 when they were leaving, "take these lovely kids to Mr Biggs" omo see jubilation! My aunt said no wahala now, that we would go later that evening. We had lunch, eba and vegetable soup I think, then my younger sister boldly went to meet my aunt, "when are we going to Mr Biggs?" My aunt screams "Mr Biggs ko! All the food you people have been eating, even the vegetable soup you had for lunch, has cost me one million naira so far! Infact you people owe me!" Chineke, N1m?! How we go pay that one now?! We sharply forgoooooot Mr Biggs.

My dad had this friend who was a "braggado", he knew and was related to EVERYONE; awon "the Governor was my seatmate in the University" peoples. Chairman! Tuale! Anyhoozay, one day he called our land-line and said he was bringing something to the house, see excitement now! Popsie was not around, just us and some older relatives, see us planning how we were going to share the money this BIG man was going to give us! He arrives, we boldly go and serve him "minerals" and some Danish Cookies we had. He gets up and says he is leaving, he will just drop the 'something" we got up with him and walked outside the gate where packed; about 7 of us o! We get to the gate. This man goes to his trunk. He pops his trunk open. And  drags out a goat. A freaking goat! We gave this man mineral and biscuit oh! I'm sure the crestfallen expression on our faces was what made him hand over the goat's leash to my uncle and jump into his car. I can't remember if he ever came to visit us again...

"Aunty YG, Aunty YG, I said okay forget N200, give me N100!" My niece is shaking my shoulders, I stop reminiscing, almost tear up, pull her in for a hug and tell her to bring my wallet.



~~~~~
YG

Argh! You Know What Grinds My Gears...

...Monday. Monday really grinds my gears. It doesn't even sneak up on you, it's very bold. Whilst you are prematurely celebrating the weekend rolling around from 12 pm on a Friday, Monday is right there, knocking on your subconscious. By Saturday morning, you are already tired out from thinking about the impending week, and by Sunday night you're already pulling your hair from its roots, thinking "kai, 9 more hours till I have to get up" now "its 4 more hours till I have to get up". Then, its Monday afternoon, like a hopeless romantic, you put on your rose-coloured glasses and start counting down to Friday again.

...People who strain their necks, pop open their eyelids and straight up lift themselves off their seats to see what YOU'RE doing on your computer. What is it?! What do you want to see? Am I trading YOUR stocks on my laptop? Bia, face front!

...MTN. MT effing N!!!

...Abuja rain. Fall if you want to fall abeg, which one is the darkening skies, heavy winds, sandstorms that last for 15 minutes then a measly 2 minutes of actual rainfall?! Then NEPA sef, they don't need to see any actual rainfall. Just sniff small breeze, fiam! They've flexed their power and done the usual. Oya, rain don fall finish o! Make una bring light abeg! Nonsense.

...Married-but-dating men.
"Haaays, fine girl, I like you"
"But unku, is that not a wedding band I spy on your finger..."
"Is it not better that you even see it? So you know that I am a responsible man? I will take care of you!"
"Wait, what?! It shows you are responsible?! Thanks, but no thanks, I have a boyfriend"
"Ehn! What difference does that make? Test me for a month, infact a week! You'll see I'm stronger than your boyfriend"
"Stronger? Oga, I tell you say I dey find person wey go help me push wheelbarrow?!"
"Just try me se! Infact, if you are good to me, I will sponsor your wedding to your 'boyfriend' after we are done"
"...shshkjghdhghj!"

...Ibo market traders groping you in the name of "Aunty, I have fine jeans, party wears that will suit you." "Ehn Omalicha, come and buy from me, infact take anything you want in my shop, I am looking for fine wife like you." I don't want your fine 'wears' o! Stop rubbing me jo! And PS: calling me 'Yellow' will not make me buy ANYTHING from you. Hiss.

...People walking anyhow in my movies. I will pop a movie in, settle down and prepare to get lost in fantasy for a short while, and next thing you will just see people standing up, roaming anyhow in the movie! No single respect! You think 400bucks is a joke?!

...MTN. MTbloodyN!!!



~~~~
YG

I Never Learn...

...two years on, I'm doing this again.

I would have thought that my grumblings would secede with age, but no! The older I get, the more intolerable and grouchy I have become. So, let's rant away.

I just know I'm going to regret this. LoL!